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  • Writer's pictureLisa

What am I yearning for?

Sometimes my longing for a deeper connection with myself presents itself as a longing for someone else. The only way to know for sure is to first choose myself.

I recently noticed how when I wished for attention or care from outside, the moment I went to that feeling and the thoughts that floated around, it would get quite unbearable. Often the feelings and thoughts are rather disproportionate to the situation, I may have even just received that kind of care an hour back, and yet it hits me like I have not had a drop of water since days, like I am nearing annihilation.

Even just admitting this can be a tedious task and I need to deal with a whole team of inner critics pleading with me that what I am feeling is completely logical and proportionate, others are saying that I am a complete basket case and yet others are saying it is because I have never received what I needed in the first place, yet another is saying that no one really cares and the person that showed affection was just faking it or worse, using me.

And so the journey begins… “Hello inner critics, how may I help you?”

The bottom line tends to be that I want to be chosen to be worthy of deep love and interest, but it must be from someone I can believe and feel that way about too.

As a response to the parts that are seeking this attention, I say:

I choose you, every day, to hold in love, curiosity and with a dash of humour. I am sorry you feel pain, but I am here to give you what you need, because I believe you and I believe in you.

Annnnnd often.. this slowly starts to soothe those aspects enough for me to see if I really do have needs that ask for connection with another (and if yes, then what are they exactly) or if I am actually at peace with the moment as it is.

P.S. I am not saying that I never reach out for support. Instead, I no longer want to betray my own and other people's boundaries as a compulsive pattern to serve some unquenchable thirst.


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